sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
