i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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