When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
