This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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