i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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