We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
