We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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