i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
