never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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