You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
