Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize