He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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