she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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