I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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