seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
