i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
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