tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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