i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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