I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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