the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
