One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
