As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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