When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
