i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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