i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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