Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's shark week go big or go home
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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