My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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