I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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