You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
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Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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