I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I supernannyed him into submission
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
