I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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