you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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