and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
