he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
