Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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