Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
