96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
