i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
