Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
