Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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