I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How does one acquire holy water?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
