quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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