I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
