she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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