Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
