she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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