so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
