I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
