Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
