I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
