That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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