Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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