He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
