my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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