I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
