I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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