Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
