I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
