I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
